sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
