Midget sex pt 2 tonight
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
