I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
