you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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