when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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