He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
