I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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