Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
