Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
