i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
