The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
