WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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