Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
