fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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