it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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