Welp...herpes.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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