Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
