Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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