You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
