So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
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How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
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The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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