The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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