my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize