tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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