the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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