Her vagina should come with caution tape.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
