I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Randomize
