As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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