I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
