please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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