so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i will never coherently bang her
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
