just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
