Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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