Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
