one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
