Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
My Sexting was not on an AP level
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
