I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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