i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
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we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
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I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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