I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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