I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
You're a waste of cheezeits
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
