OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
