sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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