people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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