so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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