guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
