his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
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Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
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you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
he just fucked me for my cheese..
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
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