I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
