I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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