I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
