you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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