I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
