the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
