I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
i now understand why vodka
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
