FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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