I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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