i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
