I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
