Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
So apparently I’m into choking now
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