do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
